Boundaries & Identity
Finding Your Preferences After Years of Adapting
You may know what works for everyone around you and draw a blank when someone asks what you want. A preference can feel surprisingly hard to find when adapting has been your familiar way of staying connected. We can begin with curiosity rather than another demand to be more decisive.
When “Whatever You Want” Is the Habit
Choosing a restaurant may seem too small to matter, until you notice the same response around weekends, work, relationships, and how you spend your time. You may wait to hear another person's preference before you can locate your own. Sometimes you don't mind; other times you feel a quiet disappointment afterward.
The distinction is worth noticing. Flexibility can be a strength, and not every decision needs a strong opinion. But if flexibility means you rarely learn what suits you, you may begin to feel disconnected from your own life. We can explore that without turning every small choice into a project of self-discovery.
Preferences Can Be Unclear for Good Reasons
Perhaps adapting made family life smoother, helped you belong, or allowed you to manage practical circumstances. Perhaps you were asked what you wanted but found that only certain answers were welcome. These are possibilities to explore, not a story I would assume about you before we've met.
You may also have changed. A preference that fit you a few years ago might not fit now, and not knowing the replacement doesn't mean you have no identity. We can make room for uncertainty as you learn. There is a difference between having no immediate answer and believing you are not entitled to one.
Starting With What You Notice
A useful place to begin can be an ordinary experience rather than a large question about your purpose. After a plan, conversation, or activity, what did you enjoy? What felt tiring? What would you choose again? Looking back may be easier than producing a preference on demand in front of someone.
You might also notice the difference between wanting something and wanting to want it. A hobby may sound appealing because it fits an image of the person you think you should be. Another activity may feel satisfying even if it doesn't look impressive. You don't have to make either observation into an immediate decision. They are ways of listening more closely to your actual experience.
Letting Your Preferences Matter in Relationships
Knowing a preference and expressing it are different steps. You might discover what you want and then feel guilty saying it. In therapy, we can explore what you expect will happen when your preference differs from someone else's. There may be room to practice being specific without presenting your choice as a demand that everyone must share.
I also want your preferences to matter in our work. You can tell me that an exercise feels awkward, a reflection doesn't fit, or a topic matters more than the one we were discussing. My approach is dynamic and collaborative. We can figure things out together, with room for you to change your mind as you become more familiar with what you like, need, and value.
Questions You May Have
What if I do not have a strong preference?
That can be a real answer. The aim is to notice whether you're open or automatically deferring, not to force certainty about every choice.
Is it selfish to choose something other people do not prefer?
A differing preference isn't automatically selfish. We can consider the situation, shared responsibilities, and how decisions are made, without assuming your wishes should always come last.
Can my preferences change once I express them?
Yes. Learning about yourself includes revising an answer. You don't have to defend a preference forever just because you finally said it out loud.
Get to Know What Fits You
For adults in California and Massachusetts, I offer online individual therapy. A complimentary consultation can help us talk about making more room for your own preferences and perspective.
Online in California and Massachusetts.