Guides
Individual or couples therapy: which fits?
Relationship struggles can be worked on alone or together, and the right choice often depends less on the problem than on who’s ready to do the work.
Starting therapy
If you’re struggling in a relationship, it can be hard to know where to start. Should you go on your own, or ask your partner to come with you? Is it a relationship problem, or something you carry into every relationship? Often it’s a bit of both. I offer individual therapy and couples therapy, and here’s how I’d think about the choice.
What individual therapy offers
Individual sessions are 45 minutes, weekly or every other week, by video. The focus is you: your history, your patterns, your inner world. That includes your relationships, but from your side of them—how you learned to reach for people, what you do when you feel let down, and why certain dynamics keep repeating.
You don’t need a partner in the room to work on relationship patterns. Whether you come on your own or with a partner, we can trace a pattern back to where it made sense and look at what’s happening now. My page on relationship and attachment patterns goes deeper.
What couples therapy offers
Couples sessions are 60 minutes, for partners at any stage of a relationship. The focus shifts from each of you individually to the space between you: how you communicate, where conflict stalls, how you repair, and what each of you needs to feel closer.
Maybe I’m biased, but I believe there’s never a wrong time to start couples therapy. You don’t have to be in crisis—you might be in the middle of deep conflict, feeling quietly disconnected, or simply wanting to strengthen something that’s already good. Couples work isn’t about deciding who’s right. It’s about understanding the pattern you create together, which neither of you chose on purpose, and finding new ways through it.
When individual therapy may fit better
Working on your own is often the better starting point when:
Individual sessions are also a place to be completely candid about your side of things, including the parts of you that you might not be ready to show a partner yet.
- Your partner isn’t interested in therapy right now
- Much of what’s coming up feels rooted in your own history
- You’re single, dating, or deciding whether to stay in a relationship
- You want space to understand your feelings before bringing them to your partner
When couples therapy may fit better
Working together tends to make sense when:
- You both want to work on the relationship
- The same argument keeps stalling in the same place
- You’re trying to rebuild trust and closeness
- You’re facing a big life transition together
Internal Family Systems, either way
Relationships are systems—when one person starts responding differently, the pattern between two people can shift too. That’s part of why individual work can matter for a relationship even when only one of you attends.
Internal Family Systems is woven through both individual and couples sessions. In individual work, we get to know your parts. In couples work, we notice how one partner’s protective parts set off the other’s—and practice speaking for those parts rather than from them, which can make hard conversations easier to have.
If you’re wondering about doing both, or still can’t decide, bring that question to a free 15-minute consultation and we’ll think it through together. Either one is a meaningful place to start.
A few common questions
Can I start with individual therapy and add couples therapy later?
Possibly. It depends on what you’re working on and what would serve you best. If you’re considering both, we can talk through the options on a consultation call, including whether it would make more sense to see someone else for one of them.
What if my partner won’t come to couples therapy?
That happens a lot, and individual therapy is still a good option. You can work on your own patterns, your side of the dynamic, and what you want from the relationship. Partners sometimes become more open to couples work later on.
How long are individual and couples sessions?
Individual sessions are 45 minutes and couples sessions are 60, all by secure video, for anyone physically located in California or Massachusetts at the time of the session.