Specialties
Dating & Attachment
When dating stirs up more than it should—the waiting, the overanalyzing, the familiar pull toward people who can’t quite show up.
Virtual therapy, California and Massachusetts
Dating has a way of finding your oldest soft spots. A slow reply can send you spiraling. A great second date can make you want to run. You might find yourself shrinking to be easy to like, or keeping everyone at arm’s length so no one gets close enough to disappoint you.
None of that means you’re bad at relationships. More often, it means a pattern you learned a long time ago is doing exactly what it was designed to do. In our work together, we’ll get curious about that pattern—where it started, what it’s protecting, and what you actually want—so dating can start to feel more like a choice and less like a test.
Why dating stirs up so much
Early dating is full of uncertainty, and uncertainty is exactly what attachment systems are built to notice. When you don’t know where you stand, old strategies kick in: checking your phone, analyzing every message, going quiet to protect yourself, or pouring in more effort to hold the other person’s interest.
Apps and loosely defined arrangements can make this harder. If you’ve ever found yourself months into something with no name, my post on what a situationship is explains why those arrangements can feel so intense, and why the wanting can sharpen when affection is inconsistent.
You don’t need a partner to work on this
A lot of relationship work can happen on your own. In individual therapy, we can look at how you learned to seek closeness and manage distance, and how that plays out in the people you’re drawn to, the way you show up early on, and what happens when things start to feel real. This connects closely with my work on relationship and attachment patterns.
We’ll also look at self-worth, because it’s hard to choose well when part of you believes you have to earn being chosen. If you tend to fold yourself around other people’s preferences, my page on people-pleasing and boundaries may sound familiar.
The parts of you that show up on a date
Internal Family Systems is especially useful here. Often there’s a part that longs for closeness and a part that’s determined to keep things casual, and they can take turns running the show—sometimes within the same week. One part writes the text; another one deletes it.
Rather than trying to silence either, we’ll get to know what each one is worried about. The part that keeps things light may be protecting you from an old hurt. The part that clings may be carrying a fear of being left. When those parts feel understood, it can become easier to make decisions from a calmer place.
A word about attachment styles
You may have come across terms like anxious and avoidant attachment. They can be helpful shorthand, but they describe patterns, not life sentences, and plenty of people don’t fit neatly into one box. In our work, we’ll focus less on labels and more on what actually happens inside you when someone starts to matter.
What our work together can look like
Sessions are 45 minutes, weekly or every other week, by video. We might start with your most recent dating experience, or with a pattern you’ve noticed across several relationships. Over time, the aim is for you to know what you want, notice your own signals, and trust yourself to act on them.
If dating has started to feel more exhausting than exciting, you’re welcome to request a free 15-minute consultation. We can talk about what you’re noticing and whether working together makes sense.
A few common questions
Is it worth going to therapy for dating problems?
If dating keeps leaving you anxious, stuck, or repeating the same story with different people, it can be. Therapy is a place to understand the pattern underneath, which tends to matter more than any single relationship.
Do I need to be in a relationship to work on attachment?
No. You can work on attachment patterns while single, dating casually, or just coming out of something. The early stages of dating can be an especially clear window into your patterns.
Is this the same as couples therapy?
No. This is individual work focused on you and your patterns. If you’re in a committed relationship and you both want to work on it together, couples therapy is another option.
How we work with this
This most often sits inside individual therapy. 45 minute sessions, weekly or every other week, entirely by video.
Related specialties
